annasmash

If you just learn to appreciate the things around you for maybe half a minute (sometimes less) things you want will slowly flow your way. Don't pull your "that never happens for me" bullshit, you're being impatient and you're not truly doing what makes you smile. I know how I want things to be and I have pushed harder than ever for it to happen, but now I don't care how it lands; I know it will all land. That's all that matters.

It's good seeing you with someone who treats you well. It hurt me seeing you hurt and being too far to even attempt to do anything. You really have pulled me out the deepest moments of my life. You never cared the consequences of helping me. You cared about my happiness and my well-being from when I was in my mother's womb till now. Thank you for not giving up, even when I couldn't look you straight in the eye. You are my sister and I'm glad I have had a true best friend my entire life. I love you.

I try to make your life better; happier. You say you are happy, but I see that look in your eye. I need you to know you make me happy, and I wish I could take all your pain away and fix any problem you have, but I'm not a superhero and I don't want to be. I WOULD like to be your partner, forever, through it all. I'm going to be here no matter what, you are stuck with me. I can't wait to take each others hand in June and start our life together. You are perfect and I need you next to me for the rest of my life. Thank you for wanting the same things as I do. We're going to be fine. I love you.

I like seeing you smile. The only time I ever saw you smile like this was when I got home from the hospital and everything was fine. I love you & thank you for always showing me the way. The few things I love about myself, you showed me, taught me, and gave me. I wish you would have put youself before me sometimes though; you don't deserve pain, trouble; anything you hate. I will make it up to you one day. I love you.

I'm sorry I take it out on you, I do it because I know it will never affect the way you look at me. I will always be the apple of your eye and even though I don't understand it, it makes me feel good and I can always think of that when I need to the most. You also should have put yourself before me. You deserve everything good in life. I will make it up to you, too. I love you.

I miss you. More than anything. I always tend to get attached to people that leave me, I know you couldn't help it. I just really miss you and need you.

I'm going to conceive a baby in January.
pshawwww

It's kind of pathetic to say I would go back and do it completely different, but I would. 

So with a whole lot of reading and investigating my mind, I'm finally gaining a little personal acceptance.
I know this little bit about me.
I LIKE to read and I LIKE to learn, but sometimes ADD gets the best of me and it's hard for me, therefore people get the wrong idea about me and my "priorities".  I don't care because I know I am smart, even though I can't make it through a class and make the grades I need.  I feel that will be different when I am going to college and paying for it.  I believe I have enough to push me.
I appreciate every type of music.  I like people who do the same.
I have a list of people who mean enough to me for me to stick around in their lives.
Drew.  Hannah.  Ariel.  Logan.  Wyatt.  Father.  Mother.  Jeremy.  Aimee.
As for the rest of you.  I lied.
I always wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps and be a photographer and then minor in something to do with my art.  Then I wanted to be a mortician and now I am back to where I was when I was ten.  I have no idea what I want to be.
I'm still learning and I'm still growing and I want no one in my life that will try and confuse me about that.

I have continued my long quest to find something to fill that black hole in my heart.  Yesterday Drew and I decided to adopt a dog from the shelter.  We both prefer big dogs, and we both actually prefer boxers.  We found one.  Might I mention she has a rather ironic story behind her, but I do not feel like typing it.  Anyways, she is beautiful,  she is great.  I'm very excited.  Congratulate me.

I'm not very good at handling these situations. It hurts.

I'm coming home tomorrow.

 I can't even start to try and make my brain understand how this is going to be. You have no idea the things I have thought about you, how I have felt about you, or the things I have wanted to say. For some reason the mere thought of some day being in the same room with you made me want to throw my hands in the air as if I were some toddler just given the toy of their dreams. I will never get over all the pure joy I have felt about this situation. I wish things could be different. That I could be there for you all the time, so you wouldn't have to worry about getting attached or having to lose something. You won't lose it. I know I won't. Unless you want to lose it, I truely don't believe you will.
It's like sappy fucking bitter sweet deal in a shitty dollar store novel. I don't care.

I don't know who I will be or what I will do when I go back home. A chunk of my heart is already missing from the THOUGHT of me leaving. I hate this so much. I just want to be heartless. A cold fucking bitch. 
Everyone please forgive me.

Florida Wednesday with my baby momma. I'm so ready.
Fuuuuunnnn.
=]

I'm not sure if I like this feeling. I thought I would, but it seems like I felt better just sliding down. Everyone was so proud of me, said they could really see my "potential". As I have said a thousand times before. FUCK POTENTIAL. I don't expect anything from situations, but when this happened I thought it could run through my brain and blood for infinity. Now it seems it was only around 336 hours. I'm tired of tying the noose for everyone and then I get the blame. So I ask now, just leave me alone if you plan on me being your backup plan. My maps are not readable and my directions are scrabble.  So just stay off my route. Got it? I hope so because otherwise, it's another tragic accident.

 It is all non sense.
But I understand it ALL.

You have no idea how much my life has changed in the past week.
How much my feelings have completely shifted.
I got drunk last night and walked to the bridge above the interstate last night and it just hit me, I'm gone.
No one should get close to me.
I'm no longer one who will be held down.
I'm gone after I graduate and no one will know anything of me anymore.

TUPELO NIGGGGA

 I'm going to Tupelo when I finish with school.
I'm not sure when I will come back.
I need this more than anything.

But I can't.

I don't know how I feel right now.
I have no idea.
Why can't things be simple, or somewhat simple?
Why can't the 2 people who I care about most be right next to me?
Why can't there be no tests in life? Nothing to push me.
All I know is to just be anti social and forget about everything and how it used to be, because I can't continue to stay stuck on that, and being social just pushes me to compare everyone to them. To the people who actually do care about me and no matter what they are there even if they can't be physically.

 the fact that I have things planned out so in detailed  for so long, it's making me feel productive.

 You left a mark.
I will never be able to rid my body of that mark.
I don't know if it's more like an embarassing scar or more like a beautiful tattoo that I paid for and I'm proud of and show to everyone.
I shall rid myself of everyone who uses me, or only enjoys my company when it's convenient, or when there is no one else to hang out with. Even if I do love you, or feel I need you in my life. I won't let you continue to do it.
I don't need it.

I'm somewhat out of my mind.
I'm bashing all of my friends.
Watch out.
I return favors promisingly.
Only bad ones.
I was sad about quitting my job until I realized I will be off for festival.
And then Tupelo when school lets out.